Early Childhood Division Letter - January 2006

Involving Children in the Decision Making Process

I decided to write this article after experiencing the consequences and complexities of my son’s last birthday party. My wife and I, who have always prided ourselves for being pretty tuned in to our children, were in for a surprise. It is interesting that when listening to our children’s thoughts, we sometimes interject our own ideas, biases and perceptions that may not reflect those of our children. This experience taught me the value of becoming more of an ‘active listener.’

 

 As my wife and I were facilitating my son’s birthday party, it suddenly dawned to me, “Did my son really want a large birthday party?”

 

My wife and I had talked briefly, probably too briefly with Michael, who was turning 5 years old,  asking for his opinions and thoughts. We never talked with him about whether or not he even wanted a birthday party, only assumed. That was our first mistake. Michael has had birthday parties in the past; however they were loosely structured events such as picnics and pony rides in the park, or even at his gymnastic class. After considering several possibilities, he confirmed that he would like to have his party at the bowling alley. This surprised us because Michael had only been bowling once or twice previously. He had a good idea of the number of friends who would be attending, and he was very excited.

 

We realized, probably too late, that going to this busy party setting would add a great deal of confusion to the day. In retrospect, it would have been helpful to have brought him there a couple more times to familiarize him with this place. With his17 peers and 15 adults wishing him happy birthday, it was a bit over-whelming. The first hour was given to the specific theme of his party, ‘bowling’ or rather bumper bowling. Michael was distracted when one of his friends decided not to participate after the first 15 minutes, and decided that he, too, didn’t want to bowl.

 

For the next 45 minutes they just played with each other, wanting to go to the arcade games and toy vending machines. We had never experienced this behavior in Michael before. He usually always goes with the flow, and stays focused.  The other child he was playing with was dropped off, so he felt that he had total freedom, and the bowling alley provided a smorgasbord of opportunities for discovery!

 

Despite our agreement to compromise and try out the toy vending machines twice each, they found other adults to provide them with quarters when his mom or I were busy supervising others. This behavior would never have been okay on any other day, but we decided to give him a little lee-way because it was his birthday party, and well, we had 33 people that we felt responsible for on various levels. We ended the first hour by giving a 5 minute warning that we were getting ready to have lunch.

 

As the children were getting seated, we began serving the pizza, fruit, veggies and chips. I was impressed that everyone sat and actually ate for approximately 15 minutes. Michael even ate a couple of pieces, and was in a good space. When the time finally came to get ready to light the candles and have everyone sing happy birthday, Michael suddenly became somewhat withdrawn. Some might have called it just being shy, however I recognized it as an attention overload. Michael rarely likes any extra attention directed his way, and having 30 plus people looking, singing and smiling at him were indeed, just too much.

 

Michael didn’t even want to blow out the candles. It all happened fairly quickly with him using his hands and arms to cover his head, and sinking back into his chair. At first embarrassed, I tried to reason with him, beginning  to get annoyed by his behavior, then  I realized as I looked around, then at my son, that he was feeling truly uncomfortable being the center of attention. At that point I tried to make light of the situation, asking everyone near him to help blow out the candles on the count of three.

 

After the candles were blown out, Michael immediately loosened up and started to enjoy himself once again. It was obvious that he didn’t want or need to be the center of attention. We went home where he had a quiet time with his sister for around 45 minutes. When he felt ready to come out to the family room, he ran to me and gave me a hug, seemingly wanting to know if I was okay with him and with what went on at his party. We talked about the sequence of events at the party and sure enough he vocalized how he didn’t like everyone watching and staring at him.

 

Michael, his mother and I talked about his party afterwards, and he was able to communicate to us how he felt during his party. We let him know that next year he could choose whether or not to have a traditional party, suggesting that we may be able to come up with a list of options of how to celebrate his birthday. This time, we will discuss at length with Michael his potential choices.

We sometimes get caught up in the moment, and don’t realize that our perceptions and expectations of what we may want for our children may not be what they want for themselves. It’s okay if your child’s idea of celebrating is different from yours, or your neighbors or friends. If we are truly our children’s advocates, and want to help ensure their empowerment, we must then truly listen, hear and acknowledge their feedback.

 

The time we invest in our children is always paid back to us in many ways. Encouraging our children to express themselves helps them to feel more empowered and leads to them being  more independent, as they see us actively listening to them.  

 

Later that evening, Michael went out to dinner at a place that he had previously chosen two weeks earlier. He actually took it upon himself to invite two of his special friends and their families to join us. He was in his element through the entire evening, having a grand time. It made me reflect on the importance of having your child “buy in” to whatever we are planning for them.

 

Ben Lederman

Earl Childhood  Education Director

Saklan Valley School